It's Been Some Spell

It's been a "spell" ( while ), Not that i don't have a daily story to blog about, i mean my life should be a reality show most days. When i started this blog i wasn't sure where i was going with it and well i am still not sure where i am going with it. But i do know that i like to write about things that are weighing on me heavily all while trying not to edit out the newfie slang "in me." To give it a twist, in hopes to let other mudders out there who may feel like she's outnumbered know that, she's not alone and it's not easy.

I've been thinking a lot about "hobbies." When i used to have time for them. But not only are they hobbies they are things that i am passionate about, or could possibly make a little extra cash while doing them. It's been a "spell" since i've enjoyed the things i once used to love.

I am a huge DYI girl, maybe i'll do some DIY Blogs soon. ( Haha ) "Because i have so much time on my hands to be doing DIY's" But for now my main hobbies that have stuck with me from before I've had youngsters is, Making extraordinary cake's of any size and kind, Making house decor and crafts, and well i am a certified esthetician. I love doing all those things equally. Honestly i'd love to make a living or a nice savings account on doing them all. That's not to mention my interest's in sewing, photography, cooking... the list goes on and on. (Mudder calls me Martha Stewart)

The problem lies with-in me, I fear that i may not be successful enough to make me happy. But it's just a hobby? So why worry about success. Well i feel like in a way i need to feel like i am something more than just a house wife. It should keep my mind off the things that stress me out. But it actually makes me have anxiety about stepping out of the roll of being that "perfect" house wife.

Is it actually worth my time? Yes i love doing it, but will i benefit? Will i actually make any extra money or will it end up being an extra expense? Who pay's for that expense in the beginning? (lord knows mudder's are under paid.) Because i don't do these hobbies every day, it could take a "spell" to get the job done. My speed is not "on par" (fast enough) .

Who has time to make sure your products are perfect and ready in a timely matter all while juggling the kids, house chores, and just keeping everything all together? Who has the energy for that? I feel like "some day's" (at times) i can con-quire the world, their is away to be successful as well. Then theirs the days where i tell my self who are you kidding? Life would look like 24-7 "madness" with all that going on.

I'm struggling with the urge that comes "on" (upon) me more than not lately, to dive back into the things i love. But i'm still trying to get a handle on my everyday life. With twin babies and a 4 year old. (The boy's will soon be walking... Am i ready for that?) Every time i feel motivated something new starts happening with one of the kids and i'm back to struggling to get used to the new phase and how to deal with it.

Should i just come to terms with being a mom and those things are in my past for now? Or, do i dive in? Can i be super mom? I feel like most days i don't have the energy to get off the couch. But is it because i have nothing to do other than being everything a "house wife" consists of? Or, Do i really not have what it takes to juggle them all at once.

Especially with my S/O being gone half of the time. That is a whole other ball game on it's own. But why do i feel the need to want to be successful? Is it that i don't feel equal to my partner? Do i just miss the things i really loved to do with my spare time? Or, Do i just need a feeling of independence? Do i even know who i am anymore?

I think all mudder's can relate to these "things" (feelings.) I feel like i am two separate people sometimes. I have my daily schedule and routine, when my S/O is away working. When he comes home, everything "is all in a sling."( Get's forgotten about or not done. ) I want to spend every minute with him before hes gone again. Will this be a factor of not being successful? Or, will i feel like i am cheating my self of enjoying my family? Could my S/O being home half the year actually be an advantage to me creating success? But then am i obligating my S/O to help out more? I like to think that we figure these things out over time, and take things day by day. It might take a spell to figure it out what my "calling" maybe. ( What i am meant or destine to do.)

I wouldn't trade my life or family for anything in this world. But can it be more full filling? How do i achieve my goals, keep my sanity, and not grow apart from my S/O all while scratching this itch I've been having for some spell now? I'm not sure but I'll write about it along my journey! When i find time... Oh my hobbies "maybe the death of me." (just maybe to much.)